In the last few weeks two of my friends have had miscarriages, the most recent one today at 12 weeks into the pregnancy. My heart aches for them. It's made me think of my own miscarriages and I've been surprised that I still have tears left to shed for them.
Part of me is sensible and pragmatic. I know the facts. Miscarriage is usually a fluke and for the best. The embryos most likely had serious chromosome faults and simply couldn't survive. It's no one's fault.
Then there's the other part of me, the mother part, that just feels the loss. It's a strange kind of grief because I haven't lost someone that I knew. I have no memories, no keepsakes. I grieve for a dream. For something that might have been. I mourn for the child and I also grieve for the chance to know him or her. To hold them. To smell them. To know if they liked music, if they looked like me or Jason.
There's also a terrible sense of failure that can go with a miscarriage. As a parent your first concern is protecting your children from harm. To know that the tiny beginnings of a baby couldn't survive inside of me, in the most protective environment that I have to offer, that feels like failing them at the first hurdle and in the worst possible way.
I've cried a lot tonight. For my friends, for myself and for the little souls that didn't quite make it. Tomorrow I'll feel better. It's been almost five years since my miscarriages and today I've been surprised how much sadness I still have for those losses. Most days I don't even think about it anymore and in January, on the date when the first child would've been born, this year for the first time I didn't stop and calculate how old they would've been and imagine what they might've been like. I'm too busy with the children that I do have and I'm so grateful that I have them.
Tonight I'm thinking about my friends who are at the beginning of this awful grief. I know that eventually they'll make peace with it as I have but my heart goes out to them tonight.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Jason, come home!
We're into Week 2 of Jason's marathon business trip and the cracks are starting to show. The first week was OK. The weekend was fine. Sunday night it all started to go downhill. Rosie woke up around midnight with a high fever. It got up to 104F (40C) at one point. If I had been less tired I think I would've been frantic. Calpol didn't get it down after an hour so I gave her some Nurofen then waited. Around 2.30am she cooled down and we both went back to sleep, then repeated the whole performance at 4.00am.
Rosie had just fallen back to sleep at 7.30am when it was time to get up and get Toby ready for school. I didn't want to wake Rosie so I asked a a friend across the street if Toby could walk to school with her and her three daughters. Toby was not best pleased with the arrangement. Apparently he didn't say one word all the way to school. He's such a shy boy.
We had an up and down day with Rosie's fever yesterday but managed to drive out to pick Tobes up from school. I made arrangements for someone else to take the minutes of the PTA meeting last night, which I was supposed to attend and called off the babysitter. Rosie wouldn't eat anything at dinnertime and we had another feverish sleepless night. I had already made up my mind to take her to the doctor today but just to seal the deal, she started throwing up at 6am.
I managed to get Tobes ready for school and loaded Rosie into the car with a towel over her knees and a bowl in her lap, just in case. We dropped Tobes off with Jo on the playground then drove into the village. I decided that I really REALLY needed a coffee so I parked illegally in front of Costa and left Rosie in the car while I stumbled in for my usual soya iced latte. I was wearing Jason's sweatshirt with no make-up and wet hair and must've looked like death because the guys asked what was wrong. I told them about Rosie and Jason being away then stumbled back out to the car and chased off a parking attendant who was trying to give me a ticket.
Now we're back home waiting for the glazier to come and put in Indy's cat door. They were supposed to come last Tuesday and didn't show up. Then failed to show on Thursday, so this is their last chance. But that's a whole other story of frustration.
Rosie has her doctor's appointment this afternoon and I have a stack of vomitous laundry to do today. I also can't remember the last time I gave Toby a bath... poor boy is suffering from lack of attention. We did have a nice cuddle last night while he read his school book though. Must bathe him tonight. I like it when he smells like a puppy but maybe not the best thing for school.
UPDATE: The glazier came and we have a cat flap! Downside is that I was told we need to have the door planed down because it sticks. With the hole in the glass for the catflap there's a chance the glass will crack if the door twists. Good lord. if it's not one thing it's another.
Rosie had just fallen back to sleep at 7.30am when it was time to get up and get Toby ready for school. I didn't want to wake Rosie so I asked a a friend across the street if Toby could walk to school with her and her three daughters. Toby was not best pleased with the arrangement. Apparently he didn't say one word all the way to school. He's such a shy boy.
We had an up and down day with Rosie's fever yesterday but managed to drive out to pick Tobes up from school. I made arrangements for someone else to take the minutes of the PTA meeting last night, which I was supposed to attend and called off the babysitter. Rosie wouldn't eat anything at dinnertime and we had another feverish sleepless night. I had already made up my mind to take her to the doctor today but just to seal the deal, she started throwing up at 6am.
I managed to get Tobes ready for school and loaded Rosie into the car with a towel over her knees and a bowl in her lap, just in case. We dropped Tobes off with Jo on the playground then drove into the village. I decided that I really REALLY needed a coffee so I parked illegally in front of Costa and left Rosie in the car while I stumbled in for my usual soya iced latte. I was wearing Jason's sweatshirt with no make-up and wet hair and must've looked like death because the guys asked what was wrong. I told them about Rosie and Jason being away then stumbled back out to the car and chased off a parking attendant who was trying to give me a ticket.
Now we're back home waiting for the glazier to come and put in Indy's cat door. They were supposed to come last Tuesday and didn't show up. Then failed to show on Thursday, so this is their last chance. But that's a whole other story of frustration.
Rosie has her doctor's appointment this afternoon and I have a stack of vomitous laundry to do today. I also can't remember the last time I gave Toby a bath... poor boy is suffering from lack of attention. We did have a nice cuddle last night while he read his school book though. Must bathe him tonight. I like it when he smells like a puppy but maybe not the best thing for school.
UPDATE: The glazier came and we have a cat flap! Downside is that I was told we need to have the door planed down because it sticks. With the hole in the glass for the catflap there's a chance the glass will crack if the door twists. Good lord. if it's not one thing it's another.
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