Deep in the bowels of PMS

Any guys who read this blog might want to skip this entry. It's going to be a lot of woman talk. Very much Our Bodies, Ourselves kind of stuff. Then again, stick around and you might learn something.

I always thought that as I got older the whole period thing would get easier. It seems logical to me that my hormones would be more unstable as a blossoming 18 year old than they would be as a pretty settled 36 year old. It seems I'm wrong. The older I get the worse my PMS gets. The image that comes to mind these days is someone covered in bees. The natural desire is to swat the bees away, stand up, run, find water and get the damn things off of you. Problem is, if you do that you'll probably get stung about 1000 times and drive yourself mad so you just do your best to sit still, breathe slowly and hope that they eventually go away. This is what I'm like with PMS. It's like tension crawling all over my skin and all I can do is try to stay calm and wait it out.

A good example is the other night when we ordered pizza for dinner. I went to put Rosie down for the night and by the time I went back to the kitchen ALL of the pizza was gone. I thought I might self-combust but decided to give J the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he had put some pizza away for me. We had a little conversation that went something like this:


Me: Is there any pizza left?

J: No. I didn't think you wanted any.

Me: OK, I guess I'll have some cereal then.


Of course, in my mind it played out a little differently:


Me: Is there any pizza left?

J: No. I didn't think you wanted any.

Me: OK, I guess I'll have some cereal then... [pause]... since there's no pizza left you selfish greedy BASTARD. You didn't think I wanted any pizza?! For future reference, if there's any pizza in the house then yes I would like a slice. Just one measley slice would do. I don't think that's too much to ask. Did you really even consider for one single second that I would want some pizza? Noooooo. You just considered YOUR need for pizza and didn't spare a thought for anyone else's needs. And you know, that is just the problem with the world today. No one considers anyone else's needs. It's all me, me, me. It starts with pizza and then it's other food and then water and then petrol and then.... and then a bunch of other stuff and the next thing you know it's WAR. And killing and global warming and nuclear weapons and then the whole world is a big fucking fire ball and NO ONE is getting what they need. And then how will you feel mister?? You and your belly full of pizza!

And that is how J eating all of the pizza led to the destruction of the planet and the end of all life as we know it.